It’s hard for me to remember the last time I was all around happy. Sometimes I feel happy for a few minutes to a few hours,

but I can’t remember the last time I was happy for more than a day.

I hate this.

I want to stop crying.

All I feel like doing is laying down, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’ve got the longest to-do list of my life and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. Sometimes I just want to move away somewhere I’ve never been and don’t know anybody, leave everything and everyone I know, start over. And it kills me inside to know that something I’ve done in the past has gotten me to the point where I feel like this, every day. 

I wish I could go back to when I was fifteen, right before I moved to Germany, but have the best of both worlds; the life I had at that time, and the amazing friends and experiences I had in Germany. I think there’s only one reason I wish I had my life from fifteen year old me in Washington, and I don’t want to say his name. 

My head feels like applesauce, yet I have my longest to-do list ever.