Waking up next to you was so amazing. It’s something I wish could happen more often, but I know it won’t. I’ve missed you before, so incredibly much, but I feel as if I’ve never missed you this much. I feel like I want to be your best friend, I want to see you all the time, I want you to want to see me all the time. I want to know what you’re feeling and thinking, I want to be the person you come to when you need to talk. I want to call you and tell you, but I just can’t. I feel like you don’t feel the same way, not anymore. 

All I can think about is you, and it’s driving me absolutely nuts. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel as though if I just knew where I stand in your life, it would ease my soul, but I know there’s an answer I don’t want to hear, and I’m so afraid that’s going to be the answer I get. It makes it so hard to ask. I’m fighting in my head right now whether or not I should ask you or not, if I should call or text. If I should just try to let it go… 

I’m so scared. Knowing that I’m moving, I felt really scared about the big change I’m putting myself through again, I’m so happy for what I’m about to do, but I’m so scared. All the feelings of fear and I’ve just now realized what I’m scared of, I’m scared of losing you even more. I lost you once almost four years ago, I lost you a second time a year ago, and even though I barely have anything to hold on to right now, I feel as though I’m going to lose you forever. And you’re going to find another girl who makes your heart smile, and I will forever regret all the decisions I’ve made over the past few years. I wish I wasn’t so stupid when I was younger. I thought I wanted something else but all along I wanted you and all those feelings were hiding in all the nooks and crannies of my heart and since you texted me a few days ago they all came bursting back to life. And I can’t hold my tears in anymore.

I can’t express enough how much I hate this; how much I want to be next to you.