I never understood the ‘hoopla’ about Valentines Day, to me, it really was just another commercial holiday, another way for so many businesses to rack in some more sales. But this year it’s really taking a toll on me. 

A lot of my friends and acquaintances are married, or in amazing relationships, old and new, and they’re so happy. They’re out spending a wonderful day with their special someone and having the time of their life, going to dinner, making dinner, giving and receiving special gifts that show just how much they care about each other. It’s not so much that I feel as though I should be doing that, but it’s made me realize what the root of most of my sadness comes from. 

I think I’ve put myself through a lot of emotional stress for the past year and a half, even longer. Ever since my senior year in high school I’ve been a wreck. And I didn’t give myself enough time between Joe and Jeremy to mend. I’ve got a lot of things on my plate and a big thing is the fact that I feel as though I’m a cloud, I’m so undefined, I care a lot about what people think of me. Not all people, if you’re a stranger I’ve never seen before I honestly could care less, but I’m such a people pleaser to the people I know. I put everyone else before myself. And finally at almost 20 years old, I’ve realized I need to do what’s best for me, but I’m so scared taking this big emotional step to being someone new. I’ve never done this before, actually caring about myself.

I talk about my situation with my ‘life without parents’ and I mean that as having since moved out. It started out rocky trying to find a job, and the stress of a tough schooling program. Finally getting a job minimum wage but full time was helpful, I could pay rent and my own gas to get to work, which was a lot easier since my job was in the city I live in. But I wasn’t happy at home, and caring about other peoples feelings more than my own it took me ten months to finally express my feelings of angst at home to the person who needed to hear it. And now, with my part time minimum wage job in a city 40 minutes away from me, I can barely afford to eat, I feed everyone else before I feed me, and I guess it’s starting to show. My mom’s told me twice now it looks like I’m losing weight (within two months), Jim’s told me, Joe’s told me, and even Meiler last night asked me if I was losing weight. I mean I’ve always been self-conscious but I’m not trying to starve myself, I just can’t afford to eat when I have other living beings I need to feed. 

I don’t know what’s happened to me these past few days but I think I’ve had multiple epiphanies. I don’t like all of them but this one’s good. I also don’t know what’s made me begin to feel so open about my feelings, I’m starting not to mind putting these on the internet. Not like anybody reads it.